Celebrating our queerness beyond Pride with the LGBTQ+ Award
When I was asked to write this blog as part of Pride month, I thought about the sort of things that I’d want to read as a queer person during Pride. I thought about how it’s so vitally important to make sure these conversations are always live and always at the forefront our minds beyond this month, and I thought about how proud I am as a queer person to be a part of an Award that works to do just that: To make a meaningful, ongoing, and sustainable difference to the lives of LGBTQ+ staff, young people and parents beyond one celebratory moment.
When I was asked to write this blog as part of Pride month, I thought about the sort of things that I’d want to read as a queer person during Pride. I thought about how it’s so vitally important to make sure these conversations are always live and always at the forefront our minds beyond this month, and I thought about how proud I am as a queer person to be a part of an Award that works to do just that: To make a meaningful, ongoing, and sustainable difference to the lives of LGBTQ+ staff, young people and parents beyond one celebratory moment.
Of course, it’s important we do have our moment as the spaces we operate in (especially in the education sector) are taken up by a cis-het majority and we see the ways in which homogeneity prevails day in day out (just have a Google of the word ‘headteacher’ to see what I mean).
The LGBTQ+ Inclusion in Education Award strives for better and encourages the schools we work with to do the same. For some when thinking about LGBTQ+ inclusion in schools, it’s a case of ‘we don’t know what we don’t know’ and ‘we don’t know even know where to start’. The Award provides those staff with a structure and a framework to support them as they begin to make the necessary changes in their school. The award is evidence-based and focuses on the eight key areas that we know need to be reviewed in order for a school environment to become truly LGBTQ+ inclusive. Those are:
Governance
Leadership and Strategy
Working in partnership with parents
Working in partnership with students
Professional development and training
The Physical environment
The Emotional environment
The Curriculum
We don’t believe that true LGBTQ+ inclusion can exist without these eight areas being reviewed and adapted. Take Pride for example, it’s not enough that the physical environment is filled with rainbow flags and pictures of Marsha P. Johnson, the emotional environment must also align with that. Staff must feel ready and equipped to support LGBTQ+ young people to explore, express and embrace their identities in a safe and welcoming environment. It’s also not enough for a few queer staff to be leading an LGBTQ+ group for young people, the governing body must have someone dedicated to understanding how LGBTQ+ inclusion is progressing in school and they must have access to the data (both qualitative and quantitative) to understand the full picture.
‘Staff must feel ready and equipped to support LGBTQ+ young people to explore, express and embrace their identities in a safe and welcoming environment.’
I’m the lead coach for the Award and I’ve been blown away by the work that some schools have done from a standing start to make changes for the better – it isn’t easy, but those who are committed and have leadership backing have achieved incredible things for their LGBTQ+ communities.
This work is so important and I feel extremely privileged to be a part of it. I see my queerness as something in my heart and mind, not just something on a flag or a logo on LinkedIn occasionally. I recognise that that mindset pushes me even further out in to the margins, and I accept the challenges that come with not striving to hit the cis-het normative milestones which we’ve been conditioned to expect of one another, and the ways in which the path I’ve chosen deems me less valuable in a capitalist society. I also know that doing anything other than what I’m doing now would reduce me to a person that many people wanted me to be and not the person I actually am.
Whilst at 37, as the lead coach for the LGBTQ+ Award, the co-founder of LGBTed and someone who lives an incredibly authentic life personally and professionally, I still feel daunted by the road less travelled that lies ahead of me, less worn-down footpaths, fewer how-to guides and fewer role models. But, like all my queer friends and colleagues, once this month is over, and the logos turn to monochrome once again, we’ll dust off our armour, remember all the ways in which we are valued and ready ourselves for the journey. Because you don’t come out once and then it’s done, you come out every day, in every new conversation, with every new team and every new class, with every conversation on the phone to the customer service advisor – it’s relentless.
‘Pride month helps us to showcase the beauty that exists within our community, it sheds the light on our history and, hopefully, it raises awareness that there is so much more to do.’
Pride month helps us to showcase the beauty that exists within our community, it sheds the light on our history and, hopefully, it raises awareness that there is so much more to do. However, for me, Pride month is every month and for those schools doing this well, it’s every month for them too. The Award helps people make that shift away from tokenism and towards truly embedding and celebrating LGBTQ+ experiences throughout school culture. I can’t imagine how different my school life would have been if this Award had existed then, and I feel incredibly reassured that it does now for all of the young LGBTQ+ people in schools across the country just wanting to be proud every single day.
Please get in touch with lgbtqnetwork@leedsbeckett.ac.uk to find out how to sign up for the LGBTQ+ award.
More details can be found here: www.leedsbeckett.ac.uk/research/centre-for-lgbtq-inclusion-in-education/
Diversity, inclusion and belonging: Meet people where they are.
We are all on a journey with diversity and inclusion, still and that’s ok. D&I experts won’t use their knowledge as a way to intimidate those with less experience, they will ask the difficult questions and make people really reflect on the work they need to do to make change happen. It is a specialist subject so call upon the experts, meet people where they are and let’s be the change we want to see.
What’s the square of the hypotenuse?
Some of you will have read that and answered it correctly straight away. Some of you will still be thinking about the answer knowing you’ll get it eventually and some of you won’t get the right answer without googling it. The people who got that right will have studied maths at some point in their lives and some people may never have been exposed to it and so wouldn’t be able to give the answer – maths is a different language, a different set of skills.
And that’s the same with diversity*, Inclusion* and belonging*. As a society we can’t suddenly expect people to osmose knowledge on these topics: these concepts are the same as learning maths or learning a language – they have their own set of rules and principles, things that work and things that take the cause backwards, and it is a specialist subject. Far from fluffy or soft this work is absolutely critical if we want to be better and do better to one another at work, at home and in the world.
‘We need to hear from people who have had those real and lived experiences, that’s absolutely core to the work we do.’
So yes, we need to hear from people who have had those real and lived experiences, that’s absolutely core to the work we do and yes often people who gravitate to D&I roles have a passion for it because of what they have been through – our passion often comes from a place of pain and we choose to work through that pain, change the narrative and make a difference. However, it’s critical to understand the psychology behind it, the science of the human brain holds all of the secrets as to why exclusionary behaviours pervade cultures and why diverse thinking, inclusion and belonging is so vital to us. Which is why we need to call upon the experts to do this work and do this work well. People who have led change in this space, people who know how to liberate stale systems and processes within organisations, to open up the talent pool and inject new life, new experiences and new thinking.
This work isn’t about disenfranchising the straight, white, cisgendered, able-bodied man - because frankly he is still so often the person in a position of power and because ally-ship is a vital support mechanism that we should all be building. Not only that but we absolutely must not vilify those men because seeing ‘them’ as the bad guy is exactly the type of stereotyping we want to discourage in the work we do. We know that structures exist unchallenged that allow some people to move through life with ease and disallow others to even contemplate their dreams never mind realise them and we know that this is our why and we can’t allow this to continue. This work isn’t about alienating people because of our assumptions or using jargonistic language or jumping on the bandwagon and following the latest hashtag - because in doing that we pay lip service to a serious, pervasive and complex problem. It’s about meeting people where they are and giving them a safe space to have what are probably going to be difficult conversations, opening up the dialogue and letting people have their own thoughts on this within a clear framework of right and wrong. Our future society is about all people living, working and creating together – and that includes cisgendered, straight, white , able-bodied men This isn’t about punitive or patronising conversations, this stuff is big and scary and it’s a minefield but we won’t get people on board unless we meet them where they are: inclusion means everybody.
Change is a journey. Education and exposure are the keys which will unlock some of our stagnant thinking but that can’t happen unless we are patient and kind to one another, and it won’t happen unless we put our trust and more importantly our investment in the experts in this space.
‘Education and exposure are the keys which will unlock some of our stagnant thinking.’
In education there are lots of people realising the need to do this important work, which is incredibly positive. It comes at a time where world events have exposed inequities in a real sense and in a way that people cannot shy away from. I’m delighted to be having so many great conversations with schools about how they can move things forward, and how beyond a single training session they can really take hold of some of these complex topics and start to make changes happen for their staff and their young people. Because as we know, and I’ll keep saying it: education is way behind where it needs to be in terms of diversity, belonging and inclusion. Lifting our heads above the parapet and learning from other sectors would really help us shift the dial on this work.
On this topic Robyn Ellis, global head of leadership development at Booking.com says:
“’Cancel culture’ is one of the biggest threats to diversity, belonging and inclusion becoming just a given, from diverse people coming together in a way that feels like a real community. That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for people to say or do things which exclude, humiliate or mock anyone for any protected characteristic or for any reason, what it means is there’s a step before someone gets “cancelled” in which they are given the chance to learn, to step back, educate themselves and evolve their thinking. Without this step we create a culture of fear which drives exclusionary behaviours underground, and that doesn’t meaningfully move the narrative on and bring everybody with us: it drives us further apart.”
Because this work is about behaviour change and it should be taken as seriously as the millions of pounds of investment that goes into leadership programmes in education every year. This work matters, getting it right will be a gamechanger, but we have to meet people where they are. It doesn’t matter where that is as long as it’s a start and as long as people realise the road is long and they need to put in the miles. We are all on a journey with diversity and inclusion and that is ok.
‘We are all on a journey with diversity and inclusion and that is ok.’
My best friend’s dad is 70, he’s a retired history teacher and the other day he called her to asked her to explain to him what’s happened with JK Rowling ‘and all the trans people.’ His words. Not mine. He didn’t understand it at first, he agreed with lots of JK Rowling’s ill-informed points. So she talked to him from where was at, without judgement or anger or jargon. She read him the beautifully written response from Mermaids and two hours, lots of tea and cake later, he shifted in this thinking. Only a little, but shifted he had.
D&I experts won’t use their knowledge as a way to intimidate those with less experience, they will ask the difficult questions and create the space for people to really reflect on the work they need to do as individuals and as organisations to make change happen.
D&I is a journey, it is a specialist subject so call upon the experts, meet people where they are and let’s be the change we want to see.
*Diversity is about taking account of the differences between people and groups of people and placing a positive value on those differences.
*Inclusion describes an individual’s experience within the workplace or in wider society and the extent to which they feel valued and included.
*Belonging is when you allow your employees to feel like they belong to your organisation, they will feel more confident in their abilities to represent themselves authentically. People who “belong” feel comfortable expressing ideas, sharing experiences and contributing to a group when they know that their input is valued.
Hetero/ cisnormative rituals and queer erasure
On 29th March 2014 same sex couples could get married in the U.K. They could call it a marriage and they would have the same rights their heterosexual counterparts. But actually there’s more to a wedding than just that day.
On 29th March 2014 same sex couples could get married in the U.K. They could call it a marriage and they would have the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts. I went down to Royal Festival Hall to watch Sandi Toksvig and her wife celebrate their love for each other. It was utterly joyous – the feeling that one day if I wanted to and If I found someone who wanted me, I could stand up in front of my friends and family and declare my love for my partner. Granted I still might have to be picky about the place in which I did that (I’m pretty sure the church at the end of my street wouldn’t host us) but nevertheless we had arrived. Equal. Right?
But actually there’s more to a wedding than just that day (I know, I’ve watched ‘say yes to the dress’ and ’don’t tell the bride’ too many times than I care to admit). There’s the venue search and the dress fitting and the important people selection process (I don’t look forward to that bit) and there’s the hen do and the stag do and they are bigger, more expensive and more complicated to organise than ever before. But I still sort of look forward to that – it’s all part of feeling just like everybody else, isn’t it?
‘But what about my heterosexual friends and family embarking on the journey towards their special day? Have they evolved with us?’
For all of the above I feel equal and for my own wedding I will go through the same stress and joy as everyone else and I can’t wait. But what about my heterosexual friends and family embarking on the journey towards their special day? Have they evolved with us? In those other aspects that make up the ‘process’? Did they rejoice as allies on 29th March and commit to making their weddings and everything that surrounds them feel more inclusive for us? Some did, I’m sure of it. But many didn’t.
I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been the only woman in a suit at a wedding, the times where the bride’s father has swerved past me because he’s just not sure what to say to me (for reference, Graeme I’m really interesting and shockingly I also have a dad so I’m sure we could have found some common ground), the times that the invitation excludes the idea that women would want to wear anything else but a dress. The uniformity of it all obliterates any opportunity for queer nuance and as guests we feel out of place before the glitter that bursts out of the save the date card has even hit the floor.
‘The uniformity of it all obliterates any opportunity for queer nuance and as guests we feel out of place before the glitter that bursts out of the save the date card has even hit the floor.’
Weddings cause a huge amount of anxiety for me and for my other queer friends because I know that despite how far we’ve come we still don’t fit in. As an adult woman feeling like you don’t fit in on the day that’s supposed to be up there with the very best is a bitter pill to swallow. Don’t get me started on the fact that I can’t buy a decent suit anywhere unless I pay almost the cost of the venue and the canapes combined. I try so hard to put it to one side but I feel the eyes on me, the stifling heteronormativity is just as palpable as the burning summer sun in between key sections of the big day. I try but It isn’t easy, I feel like a kid again standing small, not joining in, desperately scanning the wedding party for someone who looks like me only to find that I’ll only see her in the posh portaloo mirrors. Not a nice feeling.
I wish I could leave it there and say it’s the wedding that causes me the most pain, the most heartbreak that we still have so much work to do to feel included and like we belong. But actually it’s all the things that surround the wedding isn’t it? Most notably the ‘hen’ and ‘stag’ do and let’s be honest - the problem lies in those binary descriptors. Women = hens, men = stag. Let’s not get into the very damaging gendered behaviours those words depict – because that’s another essay. The very fact that we still organise these events in such a binary, traditional way means that those less cognisant heterosexual people amongst us won’t even consider the queer person in their family that they could hurt, offend or worse erase from the frivolities.
A case in point: A queer woman I know recently did not get invited to their partner’s brother’s stag do and they did not get invited to his finance’s hen either. Now from what I hear the family are lovely people, they are kind and thoughtful but they also just don’t get it – they’ve lived in a heteronormative world for as long as they’ve drawn breath and they can’t see the damage not accounting for the queer person will have on the relationship with them and on that person’s own self-worth. Now give them the benefit of the doubt and let’s say they were in a quandary as to which one to invite my friend to – perhaps they thought my queer friend would hate the hen and be offended by an invite to the stag. Well the truth is they don’t know because there had been no dialogue, no choice by my friend, just erasure.
‘Hang on a second!’ I hear you say. Are all the other (hetero) members of the family present and accounted for at these events, even the ones who don’t get on and have nothing in common?
Yes, of course they are.
My queer friend? Well they’ll just stay at home and watch the L word, obviously.
Who’s on your team?
How do you go about choosing someone to be on your team? When I say team, I mean your partner, friends, sports team, your team of volunteers or your team at work. In making those choices we usually think we’re picking the best person for the job – and some of the time we might be. BUT when we think about what best looks like – it looks like us.
How do you go about choosing someone to be on your team? When I say team, I mean your partner, friends, sports team, your team of volunteers or your team at work. In making those choices we usually think we’re picking the best person for the job – and some of the time we might be. BUT when we think about what best looks like – it looks like us.
Because that’s what makes us feel safe.
We are programmed to recognise more quickly the people who look like us. To value more the opinions of people who are like us and who have more shared experiences. To listen more closely to the people who sound like us. And so, to choose the people on our team who are 'the best', but by our standards.
‘We are programmed to recognise more quickly the people who look like us. To value more the opinions of people who are like us and who have more shared experiences.'
I was delivering one of my sessions around unconscious bias in Lewisham last year. At the break I was looking out of the window and could see a group of school children about to play a game of football. The male teacher made two boys captain. This was a visibly diverse class but both captains happened to be tall, skinny and white boys.
Maybe they were picked purely on merit, but maybe not.
The toing and froing of picking went on until the last person standing was the short, chubby, black girl and she went by default to the final picker.
I’ve thought about the scene a lot since then. About how these ideals of what ‘good’ looks like and what ‘best’ is are drilled into us at such a young age. And I reflected on how it can be so damaging for the individual and for society. We only need to look at the make-up of leaders around the world to see that similar to me bias wins out in structures unchanged for years. Homophily is a theory that’s been around since the 1950s. It roughly means ‘birds of a feather flock together’. Homophily is choosing people who are like you to spend time with, associate with, and to be in your team.
In his book Rebel Ideas, Matthew Syed talks about homophily, homogeneity and collective blindness. He uses the CIA as an example who, up until very recently, had archaic recruitment practices. They are still not as diverse as they need to be when you consider the vastness and complexity of the problems they need to solve. In discussing 9/11, Syed argues there was no way the complex and dangerous threat could have been identified by a team of white, English speaking, protestant, middle-aged, middle-class men. Some of the subtleties in the symbolism we saw the world over on our screens were missed, the seriousness of the message not considered.
The selected analysts were individually perceptive but collectively blind.
How can we expect to solve some of the most complex problems if we don’t choose people to be on our team who have a diverse set of perspectives and experiences?
‘Think about how you go about choosing people to be on your team. Are you creating the systems and processes which enable true inclusion to play out?’
Think about how you go about choosing people to be on your team. Are you creating the systems and processes which enable true inclusion to play out? Or are you (unwittingly perhaps) attracting, sifting and choosing people who are all the same? We can identify many ways in which conscious bias, prejudice and stereotyping plays out in the world. We are constantly reminded that despite our progress there is so much further to go. But let’s consider Unconscious bias. It is deep, engrained, in all of us, hard to notice in ourselves and even harder to stamp out completely. Part of the problem is that unconscious biases sink very deep. We cannot be seen to be allowing anything but a fair, transparent, objective and consistent recruitment processes, so we don’t talk about our own unconscious biases.
Our unconscious biases can be expressed through micro aggressions; small, subtle signals that we communicate through our behaviours. Albert Mehrabian found that only 7% of what we communicate to people consists of what we actually say. The use of our voice, such as tone, intonation and volume, takes up 38%. More than half of what we communicate to others consists of body language. So, we can be sure that our biases are showing up even in the way we sit across the table from our candidate or welcome someone into the interview room. And that’s before we’ve even asked the first question.
So how do we get around this? Well, sometimes we get around it by talking about FIT. Fit is important – it’s important you assess whether someone shares your values and is driven by your organisational mission. But fit can cover up a whole manner of biases. And fitting in means complying. It means being like the rest of the team.
Now back to my last girl standing. As an avid football fan, I nipped out on that break to catch the second half. Do you know what? That girl scored. Whilst everyone else was running as fast as they could to compete, she placed herself strategically on the edge of the D and scored. She used her strengths in a different way, a way that looked different to everyone else, and she thought differently about how to play in that team. She didn’t comply but she did win.
So, I want you to think about this:
How many times have you appointed someone just because they fit and what is it about them? And why was the person who didn’t quite fit the wrong choice? Perhaps it is time to think:
"This person challenges my assumptions, they are different, they are going to disrupt the norm here, and that's all OK. Because they are the right person and they deserve the job."
‘So, a call to action. Check your recruitment processes are objective and fair. Check that you are you casting the net wide and not going to the same places that you’ve always gone to find new talent.’
So, a call to action. Check your recruitment processes are objective and fair. Check that you are you casting the net wide and not going to the same places that you’ve always gone to find new talent. Make sure you are being transparent about your processes – they don’t need to be a secret! Make sure your frameworks allow you to objectively score a candidate’s performance. Use a common language and consider the wording in your job adverts and how they might exclude certain groups of people.
And finally, are you personally aware of your own biases and how they show up for you? Are you? Really? Because sometimes that’s what leadership and allyship is. It’s not glamourous, it’s about a quiet grind of making systems and processes fairer. We’ve seen what happens when the quiet grind runs the other way. As leaders, as allies, as recruiters, review that advert, tweak that policy, re-design that interview and never assume there is no bias. Sometimes that is the biggest lever you can pull.